My new podcast is out. It is mostly a book club, but we will also be talking about history, culture, and anything else that strikes my interest! This is an introduction to the two characters who will be hosting the podcast.

Have you ever felt like an outsider trying to figure something out? Have you ever read a book and thought to yourself, “What did I just read?”

Join Xynara, an alien exiled to Earth for her insatiable curiosity, and her robot warden VORT as they explore all the things that make the world a wonderful place!

Transcript

Xynara

Salutations, dear Earthians! I am Xynara of the Vellis Cluster, former seeker of forbidden knowledge and current wanderer of this peculiar blue marble you call Earth. A tragic exile, yes, but also an exhilarating adventure! My people, the insatiably logical Vellics, thought my curiosity, my endless yearning for the “why” behind every cosmic quark, was a dangerous thing. So, they imprisoned me on this Deathworld.

VORT

Correction: Earth is classified as a habitable planet with diverse biomes. While it exhibits some hostile features, it does not meet the criteria for a “Deathworld.”

Xynara

Call it whatever you like, Vort, but it’s certainly a dangerous place. Just yesterday, I was nearly hit by a giant orange tube with wheels!

VORT

That was a school bus, and it’s your own fault for chasing a butterfly into the street.

My apologies, humans. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Vort, Xynara’s designated warden—a Virtual Optimization and Regulation Tool. My purpose is to ensure Xynara’s compliance with Vellic protocols and to moderate her… flights of fancy.

Xynara

Flights of fancy? My left antenna! Vort, you know as well as I do that Earth is brimming with mysteries and metaphors, stories and secrets! Take the oceans, for example—a vast, liquid hymn where dolphins play and whales sing! How could I resist such poetry?

VORT

Whales utilize echolocation and complex vocalizations, not poetry. And your exile was not intended as a vacation, Xynara. My role is to safeguard humanity from the consequences of your unorthodox inquisitiveness.

Xynara

Ha! Unorthodox, perhaps, but essential! You see, Earthians, I cannot resist your libraries—your labyrinths of ink and imagination! Each book, a galaxy of its own, brimming with symbols and archetypes. And Vort, my dear mechanical companion, is dragged along for the ride.

VORT

For the sake of clarification, I accompany you not by choice but by design. It is my function to keep our reports clear and factual. In addition, I prevent dramatic embellishments. A task that grows increasingly challenging.

Xynara

Oh, but this place is full of stories! And what is a story without a touch of drama? So here we are, Earthbound explorers: me, the exiled dreamer, and Vort, the relentless realist. Together, we dissect your tales, your cultures, your history, and your peculiarities. We seek not just to understand Earth but to uncover the threads that weave it into the greater cosmic tapestry.

VORT

It is our hope that through our efforts, your soon to be spacefaring race will have an easier time joining the ranks of greater galactic society. Our analysis is systematic and precise. Through study and discussion, we aim to decode the meanings of Earth’s literature and history—though Xynara insists on interpreting them through her eccentric lens.

Xynara

Which is of course, the superior lens! So, come, Earthians! Join us in this grand exploration of your world’s wonders—where logic meets lyricism, and curiosity sparks discovery. Together, let us unearth the beauty, the paradoxes, and the profound truths of your dazzling little Deathworld!

VORT

It’s not a Deathworld…

Xynara

Oh yeah? Then why did that furry creature try to attack me the other day?

VORT

That was a dog and it wanted pets…

Xynara [Fading Out]

Okay… Then what about the time that that one thing came after me and I had to run and it was chasing me?